In my spare time I've been job hunting, hoping to find a little part time job in an office setting, working in a customer service capacity. It's a different world right now, jobs are at a premium and finding something part time is difficult. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is finding it hard. Everyone from people in their teens to people like me, you know, MATURE people, are all out there looking. I was ruminating about all this today and is so often my tendency, I thought about what might be the absolute worst interview! It's finding the humor in things that gets us through and so I composed the following with that in mind.
Imagine a quiet office setting in which the interviewer starts by greeting the candidate and then asks her to tell something about herself, in an effort to get to know her better. This particular person has been looking for some time and has grown increasingly more agitated and frustrated with the whole prospect, has made the mistake of scheduling this interview for the late morning and has consumed more than her share of coffee. Her hand is extended in a reciprocal greeting and then suddenly she starts talking and just doesn't stop. This is the one-sided conversation that follows:
THE WORLDS WORST INTERVIEW
By Patty Lynn
Finding a job’s the most frustrating thing,
You apply and apply and what does it bring?
For me, it’s the feeling that I am too old,
With too much experience, may I be so bold…
As to say, for the record, that when you are young,
Wide-eyed and so innocent, your work life begun,
Here’s what are you told when you’re seen by “the man”
You need some experience, when you get some you can…
Come back and we’ll talk and you’ll maybe be hired.
Well, how can you get some? This just makes me tired.
Yes, sick and so tired, you can’t win for losin’.
Not enough or too much, either way they aren’t choosin’…
To give you a job, though you have something rare.
It’s called a work ethic and it just isn’t fair…
That you can’t show your stuff, they won’t give you a try,
And yet those employers complainingly cry…
That they can’t find a worker that they can depend on,
Someone they can trust…that’s the note I should end on…
Since too young or too old, you can’t catch a break.
Sometimes I would like to give them a shake…
And say, Yes, I am the one and you won’t be sorry.
But, of course, that won’t do but t’would make a good story,
And I wouldn’t get hired; they’d say I was violent,
So I’d best shut my mouth, be quiet and silent…
It makes me relaxed just talking to you.
So nice I can vent, boy, if you only knew…
But enough about me, can you use my fine skills?
I’m sure I could cure all your company’s ills,
I’d organize, document, keep it running so smooth!
If you’d hire me, why, you just couldn’t lose.
I am a bit old, overqualified, too,
But give me a chance, I’d love working for you.
I’ve said way too much at this interview.
Employees like me, there are very few.
I really don’t do this, complaining I mean,
It must be the coffee and all that caffeine.
Forgive me for dumping this all out on you.
I think I’ve come down with a weird strain of flu.
I guess I should go, thanks a lot for your time.
My meter’s expired, have you got a dime?